MADOFF
Do you ever have one of those moments where you wonder, if you could do it all again, what you would change?
GUARD ONE
I suppose so. Every once in a while.
MADOFF
And?
GUARD ONE
Oh, I don’t know. I might traveled a little more. Wrote a book.
MADOFF
I think I would have eaten more pork.
Pause.
GUARD ONE
Please don’t be finished.
MADOFF
Life is too short to be Kosher.
GUARD ONE
Well, I don't know what's holding you back. By all means, live a little.
MADOFF
Hey, don’t get cute.
GUARD ONE
I’m not being cute. I think it’s safe to say that you’re a terrible Jew. I mean, if Moses had seen you back in Egypt, sitting on top of the largest and most literal of pyramid schemes, selling Rameses on your sham of a hedge fund, I'd bet that Exodus might currently read: “Let my people go, except that one. That one can stay.”
MADOFF
Just because I’m talking to you doesn’t mean you have the right to an opinion. I’d be having this conversation with the ottoman if you weren’t here. You got that? “A terrible Jew”... You know, another guy was labeled a terrible Jew, if I remember correctly. His name was Jesus Christ.
MADOFF
If a guy marries his high-school sweetheart, and then fifty years later finds himself fantasizing about the first time that they ever made love, does that make him a pervert or just nostalgic?
GUARD ONE
Are you asking me?
MADOFF
I don’t know... You got a wife?
GUARD ONE
Me? No.
MADOFF
You gay or something?
GUARD ONE
As a matter of fact.
MADOFF
Is that right? I guess that’s a good enough excuse... Don’t take this the wrong way or anything, but you don’t look gay, at all... I can usually call these things, I’ve got a very good eye for it. You, I wouldn’t have guessed in a million years... So, you got a buddy?
GUARD ONE
What?
MADOFF
You know, like a fella?
GUARD ONE
Oh, no.
MADOFF
You’re more of a party guy?
GUARD ONE
I’m reading Dickens. For fun.
MADOFF
A gay guy reading Dickens. There’s a joke there somewhere... You wouldn’t happen to have five dollars on you, would ya?
GUARD ONE
You’re not serious.
MADOFF
Why wouldn’t I be?
GUARD ONE
What are you going to do with five dollars?
MADOFF
Turn it into six dollars.
GUARD ONE
I'm done with this. I’m not paid to entertain you.
MADOFF
Who’s asking you to? It’s clear to me that I’m the entertainment around here. Look, here’s my proposal: you give me five dollars. We wait for ten seconds. I promise you that you will have made another dollar in that time. Take it from me, that's an incredible return.
GUARD ONE
You don’t have any money!
MADOFF
I always have money, it’s just not always my own.
GUARD ONE
You’re out of your mind.
MADOFF
Old habits die hard... You haven't said 'no', by the way.
Bernie takes a long sip of water. He flips through a book on the coffee table as though it were a financial portfolio.
MADOFF
I’ve found honesty to be the best policy, Bill, so I’m just going to cut to the chase and say that we’re not interested in the amount that you are offering. Thanks for coming in.
FOXTON
I don’t understand... You said it had potential on the phone.
MADOFF
Oh, your account has potential, that we could have been interested in. Your offer, however, is, simply put, too low.
FOXTON
Too low?
MADOFF
We mostly deal with a seven figure minimum, which, if I recall correctly, you were not interested in. And as much as I don’t understand that, Bill, I accept it. I just can’t do anything with it. We don't need the smaller stuff.
FOXTON
Seven figures would be my entire life’s savings.
MADOFF
I see that, Bill. Your file tells me that. I am reading your file. What I’m not understanding is, given what you know about what I am able to do, given that you are already willing to place the majority of your savings into this firm... do you see where I’m going, Bill?
FOXTON
Look, I trust you, Mr. Madoff, and I appreciate you coming out here to see me --
MADOFF
It’s a seven-hour plane ride to London, you realize that.
FOXTON
Of course... This is my nest egg. It’s all we have. So you have to understand why I would want to keep some of it out of the equation, should something go wrong.
MADOFF
I’m sorry, should something go wrong?
FOXTON
Should the market turn, should we lose it --
MADOFF
Okay. Okay, thank you. Thanks for coming in, Bill. Thanks for coming in, and wasting my time.
FOXTON
No, wait --
MADOFF
Should something go wrong? You’ve seen the figures. I beat the market. I always beat the market. Hell, I’m running the market Bill!
FOXTON
If you could just help me understand --
MADOFF
No, time’s up. I’m sorry, but this is a waste of time. Your investment is too small, I have nothing to work with. Thank you for coming in.
FOXTON
Please, if you could maybe explain to me again, one more time, how this all works --
MADOFF
'How this works'?
FOXTON
How you are able to run the market, I mean.
MADOFF
How this works. Well, in a nutshell... I can’t believe I’m doing this again... In a nutshell, Bill, Mr. Foxton, what we have done is arranged a system of computers that can predict fluctuations and make transactions through a system of puts and calls, faster than any man-operated business. You following me? Now, other firms are afraid to do this, and they’re suffering because of it. You know why? Because the computers will make the decisions that human beings are too afraid to make. There is no hesitation, there is no second-guessing, it is completely and entirely computational. When you take the human being out of the equation, Bill, you solve your regulatory problems. It’s that simple... Now what I have outlined for you, what we have spoken about over the phone, what I have flown across the ocean in the hopes of making you realize is that this is the chance of a lifetime. You’ve got your nest egg, and that’s wonderful. But I’m making you a fuckin’ omelette, Bill, pardon my French. You’re a veteran, I’m sure you’ve spoken a bit of French, on occasion... Bill, what I’m saying is, I know what I’m doing. Very important people are living much happier lives, because of me. And if you want in, you’ve got to make an investment that I find worthy of including... I will do what I do well, to your benefit. All you’ve gotta do is pull the trigger.
Madoff extends his hand. Foxton breathes deeply, shakes it.
MADOFF
Do you love your wife, Mr. Foxton?
FOXTON
Of course.
MADOFF
Then this is the second-best decision you’ve ever made.
.....................................................................
GUARD ONE
Are you scared?
MADOFF
Am I scared, is that what you asked? Scared of what?
GUARD ONE
Dying.
MADOFF
Are you kidding? ... I picture Hell being a lot like Florida: a little warm, full of old pricks like me... Politically fucked, a few too many Cubans, but an unbeatable view, you know, in the afternoons? And great golf.
GUARD ONE
I have a feeling you might be disappointed.
MADOFF
No. No, in truth I’m a realist. There’s nothing after this. It’s like that Lennon song... John Lennon, now there was a fraud.
GUARD ONE
All right, I could take my Lord and Savior, but I draw the line at John Lennon.
MADOFF
Oh, fuck the Beatles. “Yeah, I’m the Walrus too”, who gives a shit?
GUARD ONE
I need a cigarette.
MADOFF
Yeah, and I need 65 billion dollars. Life is tough shit sometimes.
.................................................................
So there's a few pages, from here and there. It's still very much a work-in-progress (I'm only done with the first act, the first draft is due in a couple weeks), so any feedback, articles, tidbits, etc. would be more than appreciated. It's been a fun challenge to write hypothetical history, particularly as it is unfolding in real-time. To incorporate the real elements that you learn while still making it an enjoyable play to watch is a balance that is definitely making me a better playwright (though, while working through it, "better" isn't always "good"). Anyway, it's fun to share what I'm writing -- obviously, otherwise I'd probably be studying for the wrong thing. So thanks for reading.
Okay, so if I haven't scared you off yet, here's the link to the regrettably wonderful music video that I was a part of. I willingly am giving myself a death sentence with this one, but since you guys have for some reason taken an interest in what I'm doing, I can only be fair and hold up my side of the bargain. Also, most of you have seen me hump a tree, so it's only a half-step down from that. Acting as though I have shame is only a formality for our more prudent readers.
This group of us is talking about making more comedic videos in the future, so that would be great. See? I totally did this for a reason...
Look forward to a lengthy update regarding visits from Mike, Haley, and St. Patrick (and maybe even Katie and Tim, since they get in this week)! Until then, Happy Spring!
Dylan
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